Affair Construction

I once had an affair with a man during my time with my ex. My affair partner was an impossibly proud arrogant man, but luckily he got something to back it up. My affair was never easy of course, for I had never had an appetite for easy matters. I mean, if you want an affair, make it difficult, because it is an affair after all. If it is going to be easy, why don’t do it with your legal partner. So both of us put extra efforts to do this relationship (yes… it was a relationship), and decided to make this affair going to be an affair to remember.

Actually this relationship was a typical net-relationship nowadays. He was in the state and of course here I am a half of globe away from him which caused our time to do connection also turned upside down. I met him at my night and he talked to me during his working hours at noon.

As has been told, the affair was never easy, because both of us also not easy kind of persons. Many confrontations, head-aching conversations, disagreements happened during our time. But for me, that was the best part because I took it as the moment to get known well each other and speak our opinion freely without any risk. We also had this agreement, that in a relationship like this we are allowed to express our view which never has been allowed in front of our legal partner. We, especially I, did so many crazy absurd things as results of the condition stood in front of us. It was quiet a moment, enjoyable, for both of us found that we assumed and think differently but tried to understand each other at the same frequent and the same level.

One day we met on the line, and had this conversation about something (probably about religion, belief, existence of God or about sex… I forgot). Long after that, I asked him “What is the next level of our relationship, dear?” Then he asked “What do you mean?” (Actually he said “hah?” but I think that line means like I said other way). He continued asked me, “Do you want to marry me?” I said, “It’s not like that, I mean for a normal relationship, the next level would be marriage. But we agreed to have an affair, so what do you think would be our next level?” He answered, “I dunno, have sex maybe?” And we laughed, and discussed how it will be with our legal partners if they found out we have sex under their nose.

After that he talked about coming to Indonesia to inspect his on-going project in Bandung, also, of course meet me. Without hesitate, he also spokes about the prospective of having sex with me during in Bandung and I feel a sudden head-ache facing this view of him. I am never a big fan of sex, and if I decided to do it, must be with some thousands thoughts before I actually do it. So I make another disagreement, and told him that I was kinda afraid if it happened. I mean the sex thing; I think I am not ready for it. I said we are not meant to be, why should have sex anyway. We had a sharp argument about it until he said “I dunno, I think I am not ready for your rejection”. I said firmly, “I don’t want to have sex with you”. A long paused, and he said,”Are you going to say I am wasting my time here?” And I said, “Yes.” He asked again, “Then, I should cut it off?” I said, “If you wish to”.

There it was… our first disagreement which nothing to do with knowledge, self confidence, human existence, belief, religion and God, and long after I realized it got nothing to do with sex at all. After what I said to him, he suddenly disappeared from the chat room and gone off line. And I never saw him anymore for the next 3 days.

The moment he disappeared from the monitor, I felt pain struck to my throat. Like something thorn apart and something took away from inside me. I felt left behind and this kind of lost and longing feeling which I couldn’t describe. Yet that very late night before sleeping, I thought my lovely affair has gone. Something that gave my days more color, put smile on my face, broadened my horizon without even I realized, has gone. I found that we have different expectation each other. We are no longer run at the same frequent and the same level. I fell asleep with mist in my eyes.

Those were miserable, desperate, angry, regretful 3 days. I checked my monitor every moment and finally found him at day 3, during my office hour. I said “You will never want to talk to me anymore, do you?” He answered me with “Hi, how are you?” coldly. He said something that started another argument. I remembered that I was say that I can’t stand the idea of having sex with him that somehow risen his anger, “Fuck! Sex was never a problem! I can see that you just making an excuse!” The short chat has to cut off for I have to work, and we promised to meet again that night. I never can assist my tasks at the office properly for the rest of the day.

So I met him that night. Again we started with argument and deeply conversation about self existence. After that I said, “Actually I want to say I am sorry. You seem so angry that night.” He answered, “Disappointed, precisely”. I said, “I didn’t mean to”. He said again, “And feel betrayed”. “Which one of our conversations that make you feels betrayed?” I asked. He answered, “From the very start of our chat and introduced each other until before that night”. “I am so confused already dear, would you please structured it to me?” I said.

“Since the first time, we agreed to construct an affair, started with build a foundation, followed by arranging the tiles and the walls, until it already began to be a half house building. But in this rainy season you decided not to continue for putting up the roof. What will be a house without a roof? Only become unuseful house that cannot be lived in. I can sue you for this behavior. The betrayal that I felt is when you decided to terminate the contract at one side. This is ethical. You could easily escape, because there are no writing consequences due to this matter. And I think you take this small prospect to do anything you wish.”


I was very shocked at the moment. He described it so well and I felt like caught on the hand for what I’ve done, even if it’s only on my mind. Long after that, I think again, that maybe I am, without even realized, it is true that I took the chance to escape my self from this relationship. I don’t know why I should do that. Then I think again, maybe I don’t have courage to face further aspect of a relationship, further consequences of an affair. I was afraid. I haven’t got nerve to continue it, while actually this affair has no risk at all. We already have the same opinion that we won’t make this affair to do harm to our legal relationship. Our fight was about he disappointed of me for not being truly and believe on him. This fight made clear that I was not as full hearted as him on doing this relationship, on trusting each other while he already surrendered his heart. Later on, he never forced me to do sex with him. Never.

Afterward during our peace times, one thing he didn’t realize (and never told him either), I came to one conclusion that I don’t want my legal relationship anymore. For I have found my short affair was gave me much more then I could ask from my six years legal relationship.

We did put a roof on the top of our affair construction though. But we forgot one thing. We didn’t set a tool to prevent our house from lightning crash that commonly happened during rainy season. It falls apart. Our house falls apart. Our affair construction has falls apart, gone.

As I remembered, the lightning crash was not that bad actually. Unfortunately our house has started broken. The roof got itself teared off, the walls cracked soon after, and then the building fallen slowly. But one thing, the foundation still remained.

My lovely affair has long gone, but we did (at least I did) succeed to make an affair to remember.
Suddenly, Diana Krall on De-Lovely starts singing in my head; it was just one of those things, just one of those crazy things…

In memory of B.L.

(NCM)